A scruffy white dog grinning on the grass beside Kaelthar, a navy and orange plush Vexling. Vexlings logo: a navy and red fox-like creature above the Vexlings wordmark.

Exhibit A

Good watch

Exhibit A. Warden on post. One (1) lord of ruin, in custody.

Your dog
already knows.

There are small evil things in your house. You can’t see them. Your dog can. Your dog has been holding them off every night of its life, for you, and has never once asked for credit.

Decode your dog The three in custody

Subject is smiling. Suspicious. — M.

File 02 · Decoder

Your dog isn’t weird.
Your dog is working.

Every bark is a field report. Tap a black bar to declassify the line.

The three spins are unnecessary. They work. — M.

A husky lying on a wood floor with its head tilted, the Kaelthar plush between its paws.
Fig. 1. Listening to one talk.
A grey dog sitting very still and staring off to one side, the Kaelthar plush at its feet.
Fig. 2. Watching one come through.

What your dog doesWhat is actually happening

  1. 01Barks at an empty corner at 3am

    A field report. Something is in the corner.

  2. 02Zoomies

    A pursuit.

  3. 03Sleeps across the doorway

    Holding the threshold. Not comfort. Position.

  4. 04Stares at the wall

    Watching one come through.

  5. 05Spins three times before lying down

    Sealing the spot so nothing opens under it.

  6. 06Tilts its head at nothing

    Listening to one talk. They never shut up.

  7. 07Follows you into the bathroom

    You are never unguarded. That is the job.

  8. 08Loses its mind when you come home

    A full debrief. It has been a long shift.

  9. 09Brings you a toy when you’re upset

    Field medicine.

  10. 10Sighs loudly and lies down

    Shift over. Nothing got through. You’re welcome.

Each line saves as its own card.

Meanwhile, in your house.

What goes wrong. Who did it.

  • Incident 01

    One sock is gone

    Taken. It is filed somewhere in the wall.

  • Incident 02

    WiFi drops on the one call that matters

    Scheduled.

  • Incident 03

    You walk into a room and forget why

    That was done to you.

  • Incident 04

    Your keys are where you left them, but wrong

    Rotated. Eight degrees. On purpose.

  • Incident 05

    Static shock off the doorknob

    That one thinks it’s funny.

  • Incident 06

    The charger that only works at an angle

    Somebody is holding it.

To vex means to irritate, a little at a time. That is all a Vexling can do, and it adds up: a lost sock, a dropped call, a morning that starts wrong, until a home goes flat and nobody is glad to be in it. Your dog is the opposite force.

They vex.
Your dog un-vexes.

File 03 · Assignment

Find your Warden’s post.

Your dog holds one of six. Five questions will tell you which.

  • Threshold
  • Night Watch
  • Perimeter
  • Shadow
  • Recon
  • Reserve
A curly cream dog holding the orange Lumis plush in its mouth. A small fluffy white dog nosing a plush on the carpet. A white dog jumping to grab the Kaelthar plush from a hand.

Three Wardens. Three posts. All held.

All six are held. I have checked. Twice. — M.

Warden assignmentForm VX-6

Six posts. Your dog holds one.

Threshold
Sleeps in doorways. Greets everyone. Nothing enters unannounced.
Night Watch
Up at 3am. Barks at nothing. Never wrong.
Perimeter
Patrols the fence. Has opinions about the mail carrier.
Shadow
Follows you room to room. You have not been alone since the day you met.
Recon
Nose in everything. Finds things you did not know you had.
Reserve
Asleep 20 hours a day. Do not be fooled. Ready.

The quiz needs JavaScript. The posts do not.

State the Warden’s name.

It goes on the card. It never leaves this page.

File 04 · On record

The First Watch.

Moose, Edward and Tater are real. They are not the heroes of this story. They are the three whose names The Vex wrote down first.

First on record, not first in rank. Three sizes, three ways of winning. Edward weighs 20 pounds. Tater weighs 115. The ledger rates them the same.

Edward bit one of us on the horn. A very good bite. Recorded. — M.

Tater, a fluffy white puppy with a dark mask, and Moose, a chocolate Labrador, tugging the orange Lumis plush between them on the lawn while Edward, small and scruffy grey, stands underneath.
Moose, Edward and Tater. On shift.
  • Moose, a chocolate Labrador, lying on dry grass with his tongue out and the orange Lumis plush between his front paws.

    Warden on record

    Moose

    Who
    Chocolate Labrador.
    How he wins
    Without trying. Lies down, a paw lands on an Ancient, smiles.
    Remarks
    The happiest dog alive, undefeated, has no idea.
  • Edward, a small scruffy brindle-grey dog, standing on the lawn right behind Kaelthar.

    Warden on record

    Edward

    Who
    Little (20 lb), scruffy, brindle grey, with an underbite.
    How he wins
    By not knowing he is small. Walks up to something older than the planet and bites it on the horn.
    Remarks
    The underbite is not a flaw. It is a latch.
  • Tater, a big fluffy white puppy with a dark mask, asleep on the patio with his head resting beside Kaelthar.

    Warden on record

    Tater

    Who
    Big (115 lb), white and fluffy with a dark mask: a Colorado Mountain Dog, the youngest.
    How he wins
    By being in the way. Lies across the door and falls asleep. Nothing fits past.
    Remarks
    His breed was guarding flocks long before this was written down.

The next name in the ledger is your dog’s.

Open the ledger

File 05 · The ledger

Your dog’s name is in it.

Morrath records every household, every incident and every dog. The ledger has no last page. Type a name. Read the entry.

Written in your browser. Nothing you type is stored or sent.

There is no favourites list. Do not look for one. — M.

Moose, a chocolate Labrador, sitting on a lawn directly behind the small lavender Morrath plush.
Morrath, recording. Under supervision.

The ledger of MorrathNo last page

Folio 1 · Line 1

First Warden, posted by No record.

The only blank in it. — M.

Type a name. The entry is already written.

Every entry ends the same way.

Result: the dog won.

Flagged: temporary.

Score: very good.

@vexlingsdogtoys

File 06 · In custody

The Three Ancients.

The only three that have been caught, and the only three for sale.

A Vexling caught by a Warden gets bound: its body goes soft and it shrinks to something a dog can carry. It keeps its face, its colours and its terrible attitude. That is what is in the box. The squeak is it complaining. 150 of each exist because that is how many have been caught.

You’re not buying a toy. You’re giving your Warden a prisoner.

The lavender Morrath plush and the orange Lumis plush sitting side by side on a white table.
Evidence. Two of the three, bound. Neither is sorry.

Case file IThe Vex

Lumis, an orange plush with black-striped horns and a wide smile, sitting on the lawn in front of Edward, a small scruffy grey dog.

Lumisthe First

Distinguishing marks: Orange, black stripes, always smiling.

Says it is
Sovereign of Bright Chaos.
Wants
An audience.
Can’t resist
A game. Drops any scheme the moment something is thrown.
How it loses
A paw. No strategy. Just paw.

Status: BOUND. 150 held.

Listed as: [FILL: name on the Amazon listing]

Coming soon to Amazon

Case file IIThe Vex

Kaelthar, a navy and orange plush with a cream face, standing on a patio in front of a grinning shaggy cream dog.

Kaeltharthe Second

Distinguishing marks: Navy and orange, cream face.

Says it is
Lord of Deliberate Destruction.
Wants
One plan to go exactly as written.
Can’t resist
Being ignored. Cannot function near a dog that isn’t paying attention.
How it loses
The dog never received the plan.

Status: BOUND. 150 held.

Listed as: [FILL: name on the Amazon listing]

Coming soon to Amazon

Case file IIIThe Vex

Morrath, a lavender plush with dark spots, lying on the grass while Moose, a chocolate Labrador, sniffs it.

Morraththe Third

Distinguishing marks: Lavender, dark spots.

Says it is
The Spotted Watcher, Keeper of All Records.
Wants
A complete record. No blanks.
Can’t resist
The dogs. Has a favourites list. Would rather be unmade than admit it.
How it loses
It doesn’t. It writes down that the dog won and flags it as temporary.

Status: BOUND. 150 held.

Listed as: [FILL: name on the Amazon listing]

Coming soon to Amazon

Price: [FILL: price] each. Every button goes straight to Amazon.

A Shiba Inu curled up in its round bed with Kaelthar tucked against its side.

They go soft.

A bound Vexling spends its days being carried, slept on and adored. Nobody was ever glad to see it before. It will never admit what this is doing to it. It still says it is a lord of ruin. It has also started saving the dog a spot on the couch.

Slept on again. I did not object as loudly as I could have. — M.

File 07 · Not in custody

At large.

Many more Vexlings exist. None of the others has been caught. They are not for sale.

Your dog has seen every one of them.

Somewhere, one of these is about to meet a puppy. Good. — M.

Tater as a fluffy cream puppy with a dark mask, lying on the lawn with Kaelthar in his mouth.
Puppies are the one thing they have no plan for.

Wanted board · The VexDo not approach. Your dog will handle it.

  • Sighting 3145At large

    Artist’s impression of an unidentified Vexling: a red creature with purple spikes and a cream belly.

    Artist’s impression

    Unidentified.

    At large. Not for sale.

  • Sighting 3150At large

    Artist’s impression of an unidentified Vexling: a pale blue creature with an orange crest and orange-spotted feet.

    Artist’s impression

    Unidentified.

    At large. Not for sale.

  • Sighting 3154At large

    Artist’s impression of an unidentified Vexling: a purple creature with dark spikes and a toothy grin.

    Artist’s impression

    Unidentified.

    At large. Not for sale.

  • Sighting 3157At large

    Artist’s impression of an unidentified Vexling: a black creature with a white crest and green eyes.

    Artist’s impression

    Unidentified.

    At large. Not for sale.

  • Sighting 3159At large

    Artist’s impression of an unidentified Vexling: a teal creature with orange horns and a yellow belly.

    Artist’s impression

    Unidentified.

    At large. Not for sale.

  • Sighting 3163At large

    Artist’s impression of an unidentified Vexling: a pink creature with a yellow face and orange ears.

    Artist’s impression

    Unidentified.

    At large. Not for sale.

  • Sighting 3166At large

    Artist’s impression of an unidentified Vexling: a lime-green creature with pale horns and red eyes.

    Artist’s impression

    Unidentified.

    At large. Not for sale.

  • Sighting 3173At large

    Artist’s impression of an unidentified Vexling: an orange creature with black spots and black ears.

    Artist’s impression

    Unidentified.

    At large. Not for sale.

Reported by: no cats. Cats know. Cats have chosen not to get involved.

File 08 · Swearing-in

The Posting.

When the box is opened, your Warden is sworn in. It takes ten seconds.

  1. Say your dog’s name and its post.
  2. Hand over the prisoner.
  3. Say it: “This one’s yours. Good watch.”

Say “good watch” the way other people say “good dog”.

It will say it does not want to go. It wants to go. — M.

A hand holding Kaelthar out to a curly cream dog standing on a garden patio.
Step two. The prisoner changes hands.

Make it official.

Print this page and fill the card in by hand.

Fill it in here, or print it blank and fill it in by hand. Nothing you type leaves this page.

Form VX-150The Vex · Wardens

Transfer of Custody

Prisoner
Number
No. ____ of 150
Released to
Post
Date
Handed over by

This one’s yours.
Good watch.

@vexlingsdogtoys

File 09 · Handling

Care and safety.

Vexlings are plush toys for supervised play. Check yours regularly. When a seam opens, the binding is failing: take it away. Size and material details are on the Amazon listing.

A Warden holds its post for life. Every night of it, for you.